The Path Forward Through Dancing Shadows

First off I am hurt. Offended and Hurt that such ignorant words would ever leave the lips of the one whom I once thought was one of my biggest supporters. I'm also hurt that this was ever a question; you know me. You've known me. Is your denial and close mindedness so strong that your natural awareness to your surroundings have suffered? I am not attacking you, I am legitimately curious. 

For the curious minds: I have all my life ever, been me. I can't be anyone else. I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be; that which would make everyone happy. In trying to please everyone else, I lost myself. I hated my life, I hated myself; I even wanted to die. It was during that dark time, yea those cold and melancholy days that seemed to march on endlessly, that I rediscovered the truth. A simple fact that we were born with long before anyone else tries to tell you who/what you are and who/what you should be. I am me; and that's all I can be.I was unhappy because I had become a strange creature; something wholly different than what I was made to be. I made a resolve to always be true to myself, and to love myself; accept myself.

Now I have committed to being true to myself; quite naturally I expected some push back even among those whom I hold most dear. Come to find out, nothing went as I expected. Instead of push back I received: Love, Support, Camaraderie, Protection ,and Assurance all from people with whom I do not share a bloodline. But from you?? All I have received was: Confusion, Denial, Resistance, and requests to not be myself. How could you?

To made things clear, my friends dear and true had nothing to do with me walking down this path; I was born on this path. This close-minded County, Hatred, Fear of persecution, your very own brand of Homophobia. etc lead me astray. I'm not blaming you for that; I was foolish and ignorant. I lacked the knowledge I now possess. I also had limited to no access to aforementioned knowledge. I simply did not know any better; so when you told me it was wrong, I believed you. When you questioned and corrected something, I obeyed to not incur your wrath and scorn. I could go on but really don't have to.I was pulled to the shadows and I almost broke. I almost broke and I would have been nothing more in those shadows, but God had bigger plans for me.

I was brought before wonderful people. People who enjoyed and supported me and whom I in turn enjoyed and supported. We all grew together as we all carried our own heavy burdens. When I was down, they were there for me. They have seen my darkness and continued to support and help me even when life was tough. When I finally came to terms with myself and discussed it with them, all of them unanimously accepted me! I begin to toe the path once more and this time I know better then to listen to the hateful lies I was spoon-fed in my youth. In short, my Friends didn't cause me to choose this life; this life chose me, and when I came to terms with it they we all there to welcome me with open arms. They supported me.

I fully accept that these words may never reach you. I fully accept that you may never accept me for who I am. That truly makes me sad, but I refuse to be your fake image any longer. I love myself too much for that. The path goes on and I, being bold enough to walk it, have decided to do just that.  

          

Highway Hypnosis

I snap awake.

"Where am I? What was I doing again?" I thought to myself as I tried to focus.

As I looked around I realized something seemed off. Waves of blue, black, and red all swirl and flood the general area; I felt each of them wash through me as emotions and feelings. Anger. Sadness. Grief. As I looked around I spotted the vortex of this storm; it seemed like a 3 car accident. The 2 outside vehicles seemed okay enough, looks like some fender and bumper damage neither too severe. There seemed to be another vehicle sandwiched between them though, this one seems to have caught the full brunt of the crash. Upon closer inspection it looked suspiciously like my vehicle... but that's crazy I'm clearly right here so it couldn't be. That did it, that one thought made me examine my surroundings one more time and realize that I was no longer in my car. I felt so disorientated, as I shook my head to clear the mental fog away as I got a closer look at that car and it's driver. As I looked at the driver side mirror, which miraculously survived the crash, I saw not the outside me often portrayed in public. I saw the real me; the most authentic me. My hair flowed in the wind, my full lips and dazzling eyes shocked me as I stared right into them. I appeared to be surrounded in a violet-blue dress of sorts; the colors were swirling with varying intensity of the two hues. I stared on, confused and shocked before I snapped out my daze and remembered why I originally approached. I peered though the broken glass to see a Work uniform of my employ and flesh mangled into what was the dashboard of the familiar car; but what really got me what I saw on that uniform: A pin with blue, pink and white stripes on it. The pin I proudly wear on my chest at work; this is me?  I'm dead? 

As the realization dawned on me and I started to sink into despair and regret, an Entity approached me. I did not see from whence this Entity came, neither high nor low. Also, no matter how I looked at this Entity I could not discern it's features. Neither Man nor Woman, Light nor Darkness. This Entity was just pure energy and I could not comprehend it. They began to speak to me but I couldn't understand their tongue, yet in my head, knowledge filled. I was told my physical form had indeed perished and now my spiritual form, my soul will be judged. Before I am to be lead to Judgment, I am permitted to make 3 intersections with the souls of those whom I held dear. I take a moment to calm down, take in all that has happened and set up with a game plan. 

As my soul starts to resonate I am drawn to the soul of one whom always looked out for me; yes, if I was to make these "Intersections" it would be best to start with her. I have no idea what time it is but I find her in front of a laptop tapping away at the computer, furrowing her brows as she pauses then, picking up the typing once more. I reach my hand out and rest it on her shoulder as I begin to speak.: "I just want to start out by saying I am so very very sorry; you have always looked out for me and offered me opportunities to avoid this and I still let it happen. Don't curse me too much, and please don't let my passing hold you down; they still need you. Speaking of they, may I ask a selfish request of you? Let them know I am gone but that all of you will forever be in my heart. I love you all. Once more, I am very sorry." I remove my hand and the intersection ends. Her typing abruptly stops. She cocks her head questioningly. She opens her cellular to LINE and sends a message to someone; a message that would never read: "Read".

With the first intersection done, the next intersection is painfully obvious; I really should have intersected this soul first but that's neither here nor there I tell myself. My soul resonates and I am once more drawn to a more familiar place and a more familiar soul. The soul of a nurturer; the one from whom most of my strength I drew from throughout the years. Yes, this soul I would definitely intersect with before I could go anywhere. She is sitting at the dining room table, drawing in her sketch book. It looks like she is drawing an angel, she is harshly criticizing every little thing but to me, it is beautiful as all her art was to me. I rest my hand on her shoulder as I speak: "So... this isn't gonna be easy for me to say but... Try to be strong for me okay? You are gonna hear some awful news soon, something you would never want to hear. Don't let my departure consume you, know that I was living my life the best I could. I am so very sorry it happened, and that I have to leave you and the rest of them. But my apologies end there. I am NOT sorry for who I am and that I made an attempt to be my most authentic self. You never did accept me... but I want you to know that I do not hold that against you. I just have... so much regret." My hand on her shoulder not enough, I wrap my arms around her. "There is so much I wanted to tell you; show you! Look at me! I am Beautiful! There are so many more moments I wish we could have shared!" Sobs wrack my body as waves of blue and black pour from the depths of my soul. "I want you to know that I'm gonna be okay. That I am going to always love you all and watch over you all." I start to smile and a warm green and orange wave fills the area. "This might be the end of my mortal life but no matter where Judgement casts me I will love you all forever! I just have one small selfish request. The husk that will eventually find it's way to you is not me; never has been. Please, make my likeness more authentic. I might be asking for too much but when everyone says goodbye to me, I would rather they say it to the real me and not my mask." I kiss her forehead and the intersection ends; she stops drawing and a single tear falls from her eye. She doesn't understand why. She wipes her eyes and goes to check on her son in the next room over.

The Entity spoke once more and I still didn't understand how but, my mind filled once more. I still have one more intersection to make before Judgement begins. knowing that I had only one more intersection and yet so many more I needed to make filled my head with algorithms and panic as I scrambled complexly as only I can do. Then I am reminded of a soul whom in an attempt to better their life, made a big move in an attempt to secure a better career opportunity. As I focus intently on that thought I am drawn not to a soul but a building; one I was brought to before this soul made the attempt. Regret fills me as I will not know how it ever went and yet; I feel there is something I could do. I was never one to believe solely on Luck and Chance; but there is something I do hold a respect for. I hold out my hand and focus intently. Out of the deepest pits of my soul, the spiritual representation of all my Karmic actions: flow out, condense, and take form. It's a Violet-blue Kitty, and it stretches lazily in the palm of my hand before sitting at attention and looking back up at me. I proudly look back as I smile and nod at it. It nods in return as it turns to face the building. The Feline Familiar takes a deep breath and it Yowls as loud and as hard as it can. It exudes a wave of energy at the building that streamed until it saturated the whole building, then the kitty scratched it's ear and faded away. The Entity seemed to be mildly amused by this act... at least I think I still cant understand it's words but that thought fills my head; what I have done here just now was unexpected of me. Elsewhere, the soul in question, is unwinding after a long day of work and school. On his phone he sees the number: 11:11. At that moment, Violet-blue energy envelops him for a moment. His anxiety fades and his confidence peaks for some reason; he gets super motivated to create! He takes a screenshot and posts it to IG as he looks over his personal goals; plotting his next step.

With the last intersection over, The Entity informs me that I am to be lead to Judgement now. I nod obediently but before I go I deeply apologize with all my being and all over the world, various selected souls are briefly, lightly touched. Friends, Coworkers, Acquaintances, all felt the warmth of my soul as I was led onward. I stream behind this Entity with no idea where I am being drawn to this time; neither up nor down, just forward. We rapidly pick up speed until everything gets hazy and foggy to my senses...

I snap awake.     

The sounds of cars zooming by startle me as I come to. From the side of the road where I parked to rest, I yawn, wipe my mouth, and turn the key in the ignition to start. Time to continue the ride home.

~Yuuseria~  

   

Looking Back to Forge Forward

Hello everyone!!


I spent a little time today just going back over my posts; revisiting the: pain, changes, happiness, darkness, joy, hope, helplessness and more. I then just took a few moments to think about all the things these 2 years have brought me. It has been quite a journey and I am so thankful for the progress I have made. 

I went from working a job I hated to joining a system I actually enjoy and that I feel a part of. I also finally started progress on my social and medical transitions. looking back from today, I am amazed with how far I have come in such a short time. I just got back from MAGfest with all my friends, and I spent that whole time as me; the REAL me. We all had a great time but for me in particular, that time was all the more precious. That was another thing that happened within these past 2 years: acceptance. 

As I proceeded down the path of being the most authentic me, I started to reveal myself to people who matter to me. I had a lot of help with this step from my awesome therapist who has been with me every step of the way. "People can surprise you" she told me; these words ring in my ear just as loudly today as when she first said them. She was right, the outpouring of love I received over this decision has been mind blowing! All of the people I thought would have distanced themselves from me were all so proud of me and supportive; I am so very thankful to each and every one of you. There were also those whom I thought would accept me with no question, they were the ones who actually didn't accept me. I won't expose them and I don't hate them, but I do hope that one day they can see me and accept me. This is me and I will not stop. I refuse to go back to being someone false or living a life that just wasn't me; I won't do it. I love me, and all my support loves me too. so if I have to lose a few people who just can't move pass my progress, so be it.

I don't need you to respect me, I respect me
I don't need you to love me, I love me
but I want you to know, you could know me
if you change your mind

~ This little cut here comes from a Great show called Steven Universe; I highly recommend it.~

I've had the pleasure to be my true self around the ones who so openly and warmly accepted me; after asking them about it of course. I want to be clear that I was asking them about their comfort and not if I could be myself. So I began presenting as my true self and it has been SO liberating. The current fight is: having to limit myself when it comes to work and my toxic, small minded county. I have been living my authentic life in bursts around my support and in private. These two issues I am already considering counter-measures for and while progress is lacking, I am not giving up. Every step I take brings me closer to the day where there will be no bursts of authenticity; where I can just be my best me at all times. I won't let the progress I've had make me complacent and content; I will strive for more!! 

The journey goes on in 2020 and I'm gonna keep clear sight of my goals and aspirations! Kind of funny how looking back can help you look ahead and forge the will to push ever forward.

~Yuuseria~ 

 

    
 
 

Quicksand

"Sir" "Man" "Young Man" "He" "His" "Him" "Son" "Brother" "Bro" "bruh"

Looking in the mirror and seeing a male

Male hair growth and having to deal with it

Speaking and hearing a male

General feelings of Gender Dysphoria

Being called by a Deadname

Suppressing your true self at work, in front of family, in front of coworkers

Wanting to express your true self but fearing for your safety

Being considered too feminine among men but not feminine enough around women

Concerns about whether you are considered "feminine enough"

What even is considered "feminine enough"??

Constantly being questioned up front and behind turned backs about authenticity

Fearing that you will always be considered a lie

Constantly being compared to Ciswomen and feeling inadequate in comparison

Hating yourself for lying to yourself for years upon years

You say it was out of safety but you wonder if things would have been better if you hadn't "cop'ed out"

Having to spend everyday in a body that you know isn't you and wondering why or how this happened

Being Jealous of those born in their correct body

Feelings of anger and jealously when those same people complain about their bodies

Fearing that you will never be considered on the outside how you feel inside

Fears of Rejection and Disowning from your family

A deep sadness of the possibility of never seeing your family again

Being told who to be and how to be as a child while knowing those were lies; reaping the consequences of those lies and the truth as an adult

Wishing your body was born female like your soul was

Never being able to give your man a baby.

I think that one hurts the most.

~Yuuseria~

Reflecting Reprieve

The winding trails of twists and turns have kept me engaged; many times so much so that I couldn't spare an extra thought much less a post. There have been many happenings though, things I have wished to share: precious moments, triumphs, moments of weakness, learning lessons, revelations, among the usual day to day.

If the question has ever surfaced in minds yet to speak, I am doing well enough; I get by. Honestly, I do struggle, yes this path was never an easy one. I am so thankful for understanding and accepting friends and of course my 1 slash million, keeping me going all this time.

Lately I have had this deep longing to create and every now and then something will come on my Spoti or i will see something online and it sparks my creativity. Sadly, it starts and stops there. I can find the will to create but it is never enough to pick up that pencil, to boot up that program, to go buy the things I need to lay the groundwork. This is one of my issues I am seeking to work on; for I am a work in progress indeed. It is frustrating because I feel so close to it and yet so far away...

I'm honestly not sure where this post is going, I have no lessons to share or advice to give. I suppose this is just a soul streaming inner musings, bouncing thoughts out of head, granting them leave to become concrete and no longer fleeting. Thoughts unbound; and now forward I go. The next few steps are sure to be arduous, but: for my ideal, for my life, for my freedom I will press on.

Hidden Motivation and a simple truth

Today I wanna speak about how often times we get in our own way.

FYI I am a gamer; not quite a "Gamer Gurl" but a girl who definitely loves games. In today's gaming community, there are many cliques of gamers and different mentalities that come into play. Of the myriad groups I have seen there are 2 major Factions: PvE and PvP.

PvE short for Player Versus Environment or Everyone. PvE are the more casual group of gamers, much more laid back and easier going. A PvEr more often than not, wants to go their own pace and not be rushed through whatever they are playing. To these gamers, the game can be an escape from the real world and a place to explore and experience fantasy; a whole new world. Gaming is a medium to relax and wind down. People from this side CAN and do also play PvP but the greater majority abhor it or avoid it. Yours truly, falls into this category.

PvP short for Player Versus Player.
These gamers are the more hardcore gamers. To these gamers, it's more of a sport than an alternative reality to escape to. Measures of preparation and study goes into this side because the object is to win and the opponent is an actual other player not a predictable CPU. Many PvPers will also play PvE when they are bored or feel they need a little break from the hustle and bustle; and some people will only PvP.

A wonderful, awful thing happens when these two factions come together; the mixing of ideals and mentalities can be positive or negative and even both. Bringing their methods of play from one side to other can inspire gamers to think outside of their box or make them realize something they have never noticed. Make no mistake though, a bad gamer is a bad gamer; I'm not talking about someone who doesn't understand how to play, I speak of the people who play to make other players miserable.

These types of gamers exist on both sides though, my personal experience leds me to believe that a much great majority of toxic gamers reside on the PvP side. For this reason, many PvErs who have considered trying PvP decide against it. I have brought all of this up so I can reach a point that hit me just the other day.

We as gamers often worry so much about if we are doing things right or if we are being a burden; if we meet some standard or how far off the mark we are. We worry so much that we forget the true reason we even cut on the console: fun. We play games because we enjoy them. If we didn't I'm  sure we would find something else to do. So if you want to play PvP, I encourage you to do it. Dont worry about if you are bad or being a burden; ask for help, maybe do a little research, improve, and make sure to have fun. As long as you enjoy yourself that's what matters!! The same things goes for PvE, don't be worried about how you may not be experienced enough, or if you feel line you would let down your party members; get out there and try!! Learn, Experience, ask for help if you need it and, ensure that you have a blast doing it!!

This ideology can go beyond gaming really, don't let any one thing or feeling of inadequacy stop you from doing something you love or something you enjoy!! (As long as it's legal and morally correct)

I was talking with my day ones the other day and something that came out my mouth, sparked this whole post. It motivates me more and more as i think about it. I wanna branch out into PvP as a gamer. I won't be as hardcore because that's just not me but, there are certain PvPs I do enjoy; and im not gonna let a few toxic players keep me from it. That's all for now loves, have a good day!!

~Yuuseria~

On Shadow's edge

Hello everyone,
It's been some time and i just wanted to apologize for not being consistent; whoever reads this, just know that i will make an attempt to keep content flowing as often as i can. Things get rough sometimes and sometimes i just get swept away in the currents of life.

Today, I wanna give you a draft I made; it was a dark moment where i was stressed out, angry, and desperate but one where I sat alone and thought to myself deeply about what is happening and what i can do. Believe it or not i am still working out the solutions but it was that moment i had that helped me find the clarity i needed. I'll leave you with that as i take you back to that moment 3 months ago.

Til next time!!
~Yuuseria~

>>> Briefly Today, I stared into the abyss. It was only for a moment; I am ashamed to say it just didn't seem so bad. It was literally just a blinking moment but it did happen; and I considered it. I guess I'm just unhappy I mean, I know I'm not where I wanna be in life... I try so hard to make moves and everytime I make a little progress, something conveniently comes in to knock me down. I'm just soooooo tired of being shit on after giving it my all...

I'm pretty sure there is more I could have done in the past and more i can do even now, but it just seems all so far away... and now im just moaning and complaining...

Let's be slightly rational here; the things that are upsetting me are mostly minute issues that separately wouldn't amount to much...but it's all of them all at once. Then there's a big glaring issue that I'm slowly working on; my lack of progress is just upsetting.

I heard a friend tell me something she heard from a former supervisor; great advice that drives her:
"Don't come with a problem unless you have a solution"

When she said that, it spoke to me. So then... what would be my solutions to these myriads of problems??