First off I am hurt. Offended and Hurt that such ignorant words would ever leave the lips of the one whom I once thought was one of my biggest supporters. I'm also hurt that this was ever a question; you know me. You've known me. Is your denial and close mindedness so strong that your natural awareness to your surroundings have suffered? I am not attacking you, I am legitimately curious.
For the curious minds: I have all my life ever, been me. I can't be anyone else. I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be; that which would make everyone happy. In trying to please everyone else, I lost myself. I hated my life, I hated myself; I even wanted to die. It was during that dark time, yea those cold and melancholy days that seemed to march on endlessly, that I rediscovered the truth. A simple fact that we were born with long before anyone else tries to tell you who/what you are and who/what you should be. I am me; and that's all I can be.I was unhappy because I had become a strange creature; something wholly different than what I was made to be. I made a resolve to always be true to myself, and to love myself; accept myself.
Now I have committed to being true to myself; quite naturally I expected some push back even among those whom I hold most dear. Come to find out, nothing went as I expected. Instead of push back I received: Love, Support, Camaraderie, Protection ,and Assurance all from people with whom I do not share a bloodline. But from you?? All I have received was: Confusion, Denial, Resistance, and requests to not be myself. How could you?
To made things clear, my friends dear and true had nothing to do with me walking down this path; I was born on this path. This close-minded County, Hatred, Fear of persecution, your very own brand of Homophobia. etc lead me astray. I'm not blaming you for that; I was foolish and ignorant. I lacked the knowledge I now possess. I also had limited to no access to aforementioned knowledge. I simply did not know any better; so when you told me it was wrong, I believed you. When you questioned and corrected something, I obeyed to not incur your wrath and scorn. I could go on but really don't have to.I was pulled to the shadows and I almost broke. I almost broke and I would have been nothing more in those shadows, but God had bigger plans for me.
I was brought before wonderful people. People who enjoyed and supported me and whom I in turn enjoyed and supported. We all grew together as we all carried our own heavy burdens. When I was down, they were there for me. They have seen my darkness and continued to support and help me even when life was tough. When I finally came to terms with myself and discussed it with them, all of them unanimously accepted me! I begin to toe the path once more and this time I know better then to listen to the hateful lies I was spoon-fed in my youth. In short, my Friends didn't cause me to choose this life; this life chose me, and when I came to terms with it they we all there to welcome me with open arms. They supported me.
I fully accept that these words may never reach you. I fully accept that you may never accept me for who I am. That truly makes me sad, but I refuse to be your fake image any longer. I love myself too much for that. The path goes on and I, being bold enough to walk it, have decided to do just that.
No comments:
Post a Comment