Quicksand

"Sir" "Man" "Young Man" "He" "His" "Him" "Son" "Brother" "Bro" "bruh"

Looking in the mirror and seeing a male

Male hair growth and having to deal with it

Speaking and hearing a male

General feelings of Gender Dysphoria

Being called by a Deadname

Suppressing your true self at work, in front of family, in front of coworkers

Wanting to express your true self but fearing for your safety

Being considered too feminine among men but not feminine enough around women

Concerns about whether you are considered "feminine enough"

What even is considered "feminine enough"??

Constantly being questioned up front and behind turned backs about authenticity

Fearing that you will always be considered a lie

Constantly being compared to Ciswomen and feeling inadequate in comparison

Hating yourself for lying to yourself for years upon years

You say it was out of safety but you wonder if things would have been better if you hadn't "cop'ed out"

Having to spend everyday in a body that you know isn't you and wondering why or how this happened

Being Jealous of those born in their correct body

Feelings of anger and jealously when those same people complain about their bodies

Fearing that you will never be considered on the outside how you feel inside

Fears of Rejection and Disowning from your family

A deep sadness of the possibility of never seeing your family again

Being told who to be and how to be as a child while knowing those were lies; reaping the consequences of those lies and the truth as an adult

Wishing your body was born female like your soul was

Never being able to give your man a baby.

I think that one hurts the most.

~Yuuseria~

Reflecting Reprieve

The winding trails of twists and turns have kept me engaged; many times so much so that I couldn't spare an extra thought much less a post. There have been many happenings though, things I have wished to share: precious moments, triumphs, moments of weakness, learning lessons, revelations, among the usual day to day.

If the question has ever surfaced in minds yet to speak, I am doing well enough; I get by. Honestly, I do struggle, yes this path was never an easy one. I am so thankful for understanding and accepting friends and of course my 1 slash million, keeping me going all this time.

Lately I have had this deep longing to create and every now and then something will come on my Spoti or i will see something online and it sparks my creativity. Sadly, it starts and stops there. I can find the will to create but it is never enough to pick up that pencil, to boot up that program, to go buy the things I need to lay the groundwork. This is one of my issues I am seeking to work on; for I am a work in progress indeed. It is frustrating because I feel so close to it and yet so far away...

I'm honestly not sure where this post is going, I have no lessons to share or advice to give. I suppose this is just a soul streaming inner musings, bouncing thoughts out of head, granting them leave to become concrete and no longer fleeting. Thoughts unbound; and now forward I go. The next few steps are sure to be arduous, but: for my ideal, for my life, for my freedom I will press on.

Hidden Motivation and a simple truth

Today I wanna speak about how often times we get in our own way.

FYI I am a gamer; not quite a "Gamer Gurl" but a girl who definitely loves games. In today's gaming community, there are many cliques of gamers and different mentalities that come into play. Of the myriad groups I have seen there are 2 major Factions: PvE and PvP.

PvE short for Player Versus Environment or Everyone. PvE are the more casual group of gamers, much more laid back and easier going. A PvEr more often than not, wants to go their own pace and not be rushed through whatever they are playing. To these gamers, the game can be an escape from the real world and a place to explore and experience fantasy; a whole new world. Gaming is a medium to relax and wind down. People from this side CAN and do also play PvP but the greater majority abhor it or avoid it. Yours truly, falls into this category.

PvP short for Player Versus Player.
These gamers are the more hardcore gamers. To these gamers, it's more of a sport than an alternative reality to escape to. Measures of preparation and study goes into this side because the object is to win and the opponent is an actual other player not a predictable CPU. Many PvPers will also play PvE when they are bored or feel they need a little break from the hustle and bustle; and some people will only PvP.

A wonderful, awful thing happens when these two factions come together; the mixing of ideals and mentalities can be positive or negative and even both. Bringing their methods of play from one side to other can inspire gamers to think outside of their box or make them realize something they have never noticed. Make no mistake though, a bad gamer is a bad gamer; I'm not talking about someone who doesn't understand how to play, I speak of the people who play to make other players miserable.

These types of gamers exist on both sides though, my personal experience leds me to believe that a much great majority of toxic gamers reside on the PvP side. For this reason, many PvErs who have considered trying PvP decide against it. I have brought all of this up so I can reach a point that hit me just the other day.

We as gamers often worry so much about if we are doing things right or if we are being a burden; if we meet some standard or how far off the mark we are. We worry so much that we forget the true reason we even cut on the console: fun. We play games because we enjoy them. If we didn't I'm  sure we would find something else to do. So if you want to play PvP, I encourage you to do it. Dont worry about if you are bad or being a burden; ask for help, maybe do a little research, improve, and make sure to have fun. As long as you enjoy yourself that's what matters!! The same things goes for PvE, don't be worried about how you may not be experienced enough, or if you feel line you would let down your party members; get out there and try!! Learn, Experience, ask for help if you need it and, ensure that you have a blast doing it!!

This ideology can go beyond gaming really, don't let any one thing or feeling of inadequacy stop you from doing something you love or something you enjoy!! (As long as it's legal and morally correct)

I was talking with my day ones the other day and something that came out my mouth, sparked this whole post. It motivates me more and more as i think about it. I wanna branch out into PvP as a gamer. I won't be as hardcore because that's just not me but, there are certain PvPs I do enjoy; and im not gonna let a few toxic players keep me from it. That's all for now loves, have a good day!!

~Yuuseria~

On Shadow's edge

Hello everyone,
It's been some time and i just wanted to apologize for not being consistent; whoever reads this, just know that i will make an attempt to keep content flowing as often as i can. Things get rough sometimes and sometimes i just get swept away in the currents of life.

Today, I wanna give you a draft I made; it was a dark moment where i was stressed out, angry, and desperate but one where I sat alone and thought to myself deeply about what is happening and what i can do. Believe it or not i am still working out the solutions but it was that moment i had that helped me find the clarity i needed. I'll leave you with that as i take you back to that moment 3 months ago.

Til next time!!
~Yuuseria~

>>> Briefly Today, I stared into the abyss. It was only for a moment; I am ashamed to say it just didn't seem so bad. It was literally just a blinking moment but it did happen; and I considered it. I guess I'm just unhappy I mean, I know I'm not where I wanna be in life... I try so hard to make moves and everytime I make a little progress, something conveniently comes in to knock me down. I'm just soooooo tired of being shit on after giving it my all...

I'm pretty sure there is more I could have done in the past and more i can do even now, but it just seems all so far away... and now im just moaning and complaining...

Let's be slightly rational here; the things that are upsetting me are mostly minute issues that separately wouldn't amount to much...but it's all of them all at once. Then there's a big glaring issue that I'm slowly working on; my lack of progress is just upsetting.

I heard a friend tell me something she heard from a former supervisor; great advice that drives her:
"Don't come with a problem unless you have a solution"

When she said that, it spoke to me. So then... what would be my solutions to these myriads of problems??

Sun's Persistance

So this would be my first post of the new year... unfortunately,my current mind frame nor location allows me to speak long lengths at the moment. For now, a short mantra:

It's not always Sunny
The clouds will roll on in
The rain may fall and storm but
The Sun will shine again

These words, beyond my current mood, echo and resonate within. Here's to hoping things turn around soon.

~Yuuseria~