Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Hidden Motivation and a simple truth

Today I wanna speak about how often times we get in our own way.

FYI I am a gamer; not quite a "Gamer Gurl" but a girl who definitely loves games. In today's gaming community, there are many cliques of gamers and different mentalities that come into play. Of the myriad groups I have seen there are 2 major Factions: PvE and PvP.

PvE short for Player Versus Environment or Everyone. PvE are the more casual group of gamers, much more laid back and easier going. A PvEr more often than not, wants to go their own pace and not be rushed through whatever they are playing. To these gamers, the game can be an escape from the real world and a place to explore and experience fantasy; a whole new world. Gaming is a medium to relax and wind down. People from this side CAN and do also play PvP but the greater majority abhor it or avoid it. Yours truly, falls into this category.

PvP short for Player Versus Player.
These gamers are the more hardcore gamers. To these gamers, it's more of a sport than an alternative reality to escape to. Measures of preparation and study goes into this side because the object is to win and the opponent is an actual other player not a predictable CPU. Many PvPers will also play PvE when they are bored or feel they need a little break from the hustle and bustle; and some people will only PvP.

A wonderful, awful thing happens when these two factions come together; the mixing of ideals and mentalities can be positive or negative and even both. Bringing their methods of play from one side to other can inspire gamers to think outside of their box or make them realize something they have never noticed. Make no mistake though, a bad gamer is a bad gamer; I'm not talking about someone who doesn't understand how to play, I speak of the people who play to make other players miserable.

These types of gamers exist on both sides though, my personal experience leds me to believe that a much great majority of toxic gamers reside on the PvP side. For this reason, many PvErs who have considered trying PvP decide against it. I have brought all of this up so I can reach a point that hit me just the other day.

We as gamers often worry so much about if we are doing things right or if we are being a burden; if we meet some standard or how far off the mark we are. We worry so much that we forget the true reason we even cut on the console: fun. We play games because we enjoy them. If we didn't I'm  sure we would find something else to do. So if you want to play PvP, I encourage you to do it. Dont worry about if you are bad or being a burden; ask for help, maybe do a little research, improve, and make sure to have fun. As long as you enjoy yourself that's what matters!! The same things goes for PvE, don't be worried about how you may not be experienced enough, or if you feel line you would let down your party members; get out there and try!! Learn, Experience, ask for help if you need it and, ensure that you have a blast doing it!!

This ideology can go beyond gaming really, don't let any one thing or feeling of inadequacy stop you from doing something you love or something you enjoy!! (As long as it's legal and morally correct)

I was talking with my day ones the other day and something that came out my mouth, sparked this whole post. It motivates me more and more as i think about it. I wanna branch out into PvP as a gamer. I won't be as hardcore because that's just not me but, there are certain PvPs I do enjoy; and im not gonna let a few toxic players keep me from it. That's all for now loves, have a good day!!


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

On Shadow's edge

Hello everyone,
It's been some time and i just wanted to apologize for not being consistent; whoever reads this, just know that i will make an attempt to keep content flowing as often as i can. Things get rough sometimes and sometimes i just get swept away in the currents of life.

Today, I wanna give you a draft I made; it was a dark moment where i was stressed out, angry, and desperate but one where I sat alone and thought to myself deeply about what is happening and what i can do. Believe it or not i am still working out the solutions but it was that moment i had that helped me find the clarity i needed. I'll leave you with that as i take you back to that moment 3 months ago.

Til next time!!

>>> Briefly Today, I stared into the abyss. It was only for a moment; I am ashamed to say it just didn't seem so bad. It was literally just a blinking moment but it did happen; and I considered it. I guess I'm just unhappy I mean, I know I'm not where I wanna be in life... I try so hard to make moves and everytime I make a little progress, something conveniently comes in to knock me down. I'm just soooooo tired of being shit on after giving it my all...

I'm pretty sure there is more I could have done in the past and more i can do even now, but it just seems all so far away... and now im just moaning and complaining...

Let's be slightly rational here; the things that are upsetting me are mostly minute issues that separately wouldn't amount to much...but it's all of them all at once. Then there's a big glaring issue that I'm slowly working on; my lack of progress is just upsetting.

I heard a friend tell me something she heard from a former supervisor; great advice that drives her:
"Don't come with a problem unless you have a solution"

When she said that, it spoke to me. So then... what would be my solutions to these myriads of problems??

Sun's Persistance

So this would be my first post of the new year... unfortunately,my current mind frame nor location allows me to speak long lengths at the moment. For now, a short mantra:

It's not always Sunny
The clouds will roll on in
The rain may fall and storm but
The Sun will shine again

These words, beyond my current mood, echo and resonate within. Here's to hoping things turn around soon.


Friday, November 2, 2018

How it feels <Part 2>

We meet up the same as usual
We speak but in my heart, I can feel something's off
The night goes on and I clutch at my heart but suddenly I hear a line I never want to hear; from anyone really

I freeze
My blood stills and my tongue turns to jelly as i grasp for the words and reason
And as the tears fall and sobs ring out, I can feel my heart breaking

Suddenly, a great pressure falls upon us
Something I have experienced but never to this degreee
I scream and reach out for my heart but, it is being compressed so hard
It cant hear me
It cant see me
I continue to scream and fight against the pressure even as
My strength wavers
My voice gives out
My heart compresses even more
But I dont give up and neither does it

The pressure lifts, and I scoop up the pieces and hold them all the more closer.

We help each other pick up the pieces and we continue to press forward.

We press on knowing there's a war ahead but we plan to survive; together nothing can stop us.

Hello everyone, I don't usually address the crowd directly but, this message is important so hear my cry:

Depression is real. Don't try to write it off as a joke or a weakness of wills; this is something we all have to some degree. Depression is real and it shouldn't be ignored; if this is something you are dealing with I employ you, please get help. Your life matters; and if not to you, to someone else past, present, or future.  Do not ever think it a shame to seek help; nobody is perfect and everyone needs help sometimes. If i can touch one person with my message and help them to understand they are not alone, I would be quite satisfied. Take care of yourselves and please come see me again

Yours Truly,


Friday, September 28, 2018


And the road stretches on...

I'm currently following a path that limits my time so I'm gonna try to keep this short:

My days grow dark
My kindness wavers
I get mistreated and let down
My faith declines

Then you show up
My joy increases
My smile lightens
My tummy fills with giggles

When I'm with you
Time speeds up as if we arent looking
Everything else just melts away
My troubles cant hurt me

I dont know where you are
I dont know what you are doing
I'm not even sure you can feel me right now but
I'm longing

I'm longing to get closer
I'm longing to know more about you
I'm longing for your touch
I'm longing for your...

Monday, September 17, 2018

A Lesson on Self

The storm rages on, the path stretches ahead, but I continue to march forward.
Imagine this: Spending your whole life knowing you were more than you were told to be. Having a deep desire to be something even when everyone shunned it. Next comes the conformation, to blend in and make sure you survive your youth environment intact, you adapt a mask. You put your true feelings aside and commit to this mask, so well you've almost even convinced yourself; but she knows better. 

Every now and then, she surfaces to let you know she doesnt approve and that she isnt going anywhere; you ignore her and reassert the mask in place. Time passes and you press forward, mask firmly held, but you aren't happy and you dont know why. "Oh, you know why." She emerges again and completely obstructs your view. She refuses to be ignored any longer: "Enough!" She exclaims as she stamps her high heel. She rips the mask off and grabs you, vulnerable, lost, confused and lifts your eyes level to hers: " We are wonderfully made. And we are enough. We dont need this shackle; from now on we're gonna fly!" She smiles beautifully. You shudder, shook and unsure but inspired; you stand and boldly face the new day. It's not that you're without fear, it's just that now being true to yourself has set you free. The rest is up to wonderful you.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Inner Antidote

When I was little, I was so: bright, brave, and naive. I shined my light brightly and just did whatever felt right. However there were those who saw that light and found joy and dampening it and in some cases, even putting it out completely. Being the naive, oblivious child I was, I failed to understand why this kept happening. To cope with the constant teasing I started to think more about my actions, when I should shine or if I should just keep it to myself. I’d like to think that this habit grew and manifested into an overthinking complex that I deal with on a day to day basis. I will get so wrapped up and thinking about the fine details, or trying to understand something that I miss the simple things right in front of me. It’s just how I operate now, all I can ask for is patience while I sort things out; though patience in this world of hustle and bustle is in short supply. I often find myself on the receiving end of ridicule and toxic remarks for it… there was a time I just accepted it saying I should just get my act together; even when it hurt. However, I now refuse to sit back and take toxicity. If I feel wronged I’m gonna let my voice ring out and try to bring it to a resolution; if I don’t have respect for myself then how could anyone else?? If I don’t love myself, how could anyone else love me?? That wouldn’t be fair to myself or future possibilities. It’s about more than picking fights over battles or standing up to wrongdoings; this is about me finally loving myself enough to take action. It’s beautiful growth, and I want to continue to grow more as I go on through this journey.

There were many, many times where I was being attacked and I just took it… I would then be ridiculed for not standing up for myself. But then there are times I did try to stand up for myself and when I did, I was the “sensitive” one or “in my feelings”. And when I listened to this trick, I would agree and decide to calm down. I took the toxin quietly and obediently as I was just walked all over. So when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t what’s the answer?? I cant speak for you, but only what I’ve found works for me. I’m gonna be ME. If I feel attacked I’m gonna speak on it, and I’m gonna slay toxicity anytime I come across it; even if it’s a friend or loved one. I’m gonna hold on to what I believe in and strike out against disrespect and misplaced aggression. I’m gonna finally give a damn about my feelings because at the end of the day, no one else has to. I’m gonna struggle, because I will overthink things again; but I won’t let that stop me from reaching true happiness and my goals. I’m gonna continue to improve everyday as I push to be better and that’s not gonna be enough for some people. I accept that and also that it isn’t my problem. As this journey continues, I’m just gonna be the best me I can be; that’s all I can do.

Hidden Motivation and a simple truth

Today I wanna speak about how often times we get in our own way. FYI I am a gamer; not quite a "Gamer Gurl" but a girl who defini...