Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Sun's Persistance

So this would be my first post of the new year... unfortunately,my current mind frame nor location allows me to speak long lengths at the moment. For now, a short mantra:

It's not always Sunny
The clouds will roll on in
The rain may fall and storm but
The Sun will shine again

These words, beyond my current mood, echo and resonate within. Here's to hoping things turn around soon.

~Yuuseria~

Friday, November 2, 2018

How it feels <Part 2>

We meet up the same as usual
We speak but in my heart, I can feel something's off
The night goes on and I clutch at my heart but suddenly I hear a line I never want to hear; from anyone really

I freeze
My blood stills and my tongue turns to jelly as i grasp for the words and reason
And as the tears fall and sobs ring out, I can feel my heart breaking

Suddenly, a great pressure falls upon us
Something I have experienced but never to this degreee
I scream and reach out for my heart but, it is being compressed so hard
It cant hear me
It cant see me
I continue to scream and fight against the pressure even as
My strength wavers
My voice gives out
My heart compresses even more
But I dont give up and neither does it

The pressure lifts, and I scoop up the pieces and hold them all the more closer.

We help each other pick up the pieces and we continue to press forward.

We press on knowing there's a war ahead but we plan to survive; together nothing can stop us.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Hello everyone, I don't usually address the crowd directly but, this message is important so hear my cry:

Depression is real. Don't try to write it off as a joke or a weakness of wills; this is something we all have to some degree. Depression is real and it shouldn't be ignored; if this is something you are dealing with I employ you, please get help. Your life matters; and if not to you, to someone else past, present, or future.  Do not ever think it a shame to seek help; nobody is perfect and everyone needs help sometimes. If i can touch one person with my message and help them to understand they are not alone, I would be quite satisfied. Take care of yourselves and please come see me again

Yours Truly,

~Mayumi~

Friday, September 28, 2018

Warmth

And the road stretches on...

I'm currently following a path that limits my time so I'm gonna try to keep this short:

My days grow dark
My kindness wavers
I get mistreated and let down
My faith declines

Then you show up
My joy increases
My smile lightens
My tummy fills with giggles

When I'm with you
Time speeds up as if we arent looking
Everything else just melts away
My troubles cant hurt me

I dont know where you are
I dont know what you are doing
I'm not even sure you can feel me right now but
I'm longing

I'm longing to get closer
I'm longing to know more about you
I'm longing for your touch
I'm longing for your...

Monday, September 17, 2018

A Lesson on Self

The storm rages on, the path stretches ahead, but I continue to march forward.
Imagine this: Spending your whole life knowing you were more than you were told to be. Having a deep desire to be something even when everyone shunned it. Next comes the conformation, to blend in and make sure you survive your youth environment intact, you adapt a mask. You put your true feelings aside and commit to this mask, so well you've almost even convinced yourself; but she knows better. 

Every now and then, she surfaces to let you know she doesnt approve and that she isnt going anywhere; you ignore her and reassert the mask in place. Time passes and you press forward, mask firmly held, but you aren't happy and you dont know why. "Oh, you know why." She emerges again and completely obstructs your view. She refuses to be ignored any longer: "Enough!" She exclaims as she stamps her high heel. She rips the mask off and grabs you, vulnerable, lost, confused and lifts your eyes level to hers: " We are wonderfully made. And we are enough. We dont need this shackle; from now on we're gonna fly!" She smiles beautifully. You shudder, shook and unsure but inspired; you stand and boldly face the new day. It's not that you're without fear, it's just that now being true to yourself has set you free. The rest is up to wonderful you.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Inner Antidote

When I was little, I was so: bright, brave, and naive. I shined my light brightly and just did whatever felt right. However there were those who saw that light and found joy and dampening it and in some cases, even putting it out completely. Being the naive, oblivious child I was, I failed to understand why this kept happening. To cope with the constant teasing I started to think more about my actions, when I should shine or if I should just keep it to myself. I’d like to think that this habit grew and manifested into an overthinking complex that I deal with on a day to day basis. I will get so wrapped up and thinking about the fine details, or trying to understand something that I miss the simple things right in front of me. It’s just how I operate now, all I can ask for is patience while I sort things out; though patience in this world of hustle and bustle is in short supply. I often find myself on the receiving end of ridicule and toxic remarks for it… there was a time I just accepted it saying I should just get my act together; even when it hurt. However, I now refuse to sit back and take toxicity. If I feel wronged I’m gonna let my voice ring out and try to bring it to a resolution; if I don’t have respect for myself then how could anyone else?? If I don’t love myself, how could anyone else love me?? That wouldn’t be fair to myself or future possibilities. It’s about more than picking fights over battles or standing up to wrongdoings; this is about me finally giving loving myself enough to take action. It’s beautiful growth, and I want to continue to grow more as I go on through this journey.

There were many, many times where I was being attacked and I just took it… I would then be ridiculed for not standing up for myself. But then there are times I did try to stand up for myself and when I did, I was the “sensitive” one or “in my feelings”. And when I listened to this trick, I would agree and decide to calm down. I took the toxin quietly and obediently as I was just walked all over. So when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t what’s the answer?? I cant speak for you, but only what I’ve found works for me. I’m gonna be ME. If I feel attacked I’m gonna speak on it, and I’m gonna slay toxicity anytime I come across it; even if it’s a friend or loved one. I’m gonna hold on to what I believe in and strike out against disrespect and misplaced aggression. I’m gonna finally give a damn about my feelings because at the end of the day, no one else has to. I’m gonna struggle, because I will overthink things again; but I won’t let that stop me from reaching true happiness and my goals. I’m gonna continue to improve everyday as I push to be better and that’s not gonna be enough for some people. I accept that and also that it isn’t my problem. As this journey continues, I’m just gonna be the best me I can be; that’s all I can do.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

How it feels...

*smack*

"You're pathetic!!"

*smack*

"Just look at everyone else your age!!"

*smack*

"You're gonna die alone!!"

*smack*

At this point, mine right eye begins to swell

" no wonder you're single"

*smack*

*Sputter sputter cough*

"What a fucking disgrace"

*smack*

I fall into the floor. The repeated blows have cause mine sight to blur and smear along with blood and tears. I know I have to rise though, I look into my hurtful assailant and reach out my hand

"Really?? What's the point anyway?? You're NOTHING!!"

*Kick*

"Your sorry life is just passing you by"

*kick*

This blow excubrates the head trauma and causes mine sight to obscure further. The blood pours... just how long have I been bleeding??Mine vision fades to black but mine hearing continues to hear all those hurtful truths(?) And all the lies(?) Mine assailant does not stop.

"Just fade, it's better if you just disappear anyway!!"

*kick kick kick*

"I HATE YOU!!"

*Stomp*

Mine conscious fades.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

I open mine eyes.
I wipe away mine tears.
I check my clock, and I head out the door.
She stays with me.
All that night, my light does not shine.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Raging tides: A quick affirmation

I'm on a journey, and the sea is raging; it's all I can do to just keep my head over water right now. So for today, something short and sweet:

"Everything will fall into place sooner or later..."

I no longer believe in this.
If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen with my own two hands.
Work towards it everyday like I give a damn.
I WILL make it happen; and everyday, grow closer to my ideal.

~

Sun&#39;s Persistance

So this would be my first post of the new year... unfortunately,my current mind frame nor location allows me to speak long lengths at the mo...