When I was little, I
was so: bright, brave, and naive. I shined my light brightly and just
did whatever felt right. However there were those who saw that light
and found joy and dampening it and in some cases, even putting it out
completely. Being the naive, oblivious child I was, I failed to
understand why this kept happening. To cope with the constant teasing
I started to think more about my actions, when I should shine or if I
should just keep it to myself. I’d like to think that this habit
grew and manifested into an overthinking complex that I deal with on
a day to day basis. I will get so wrapped up and thinking about the
fine details, or trying to understand something that I miss the
simple things right in front of me. It’s just how I operate now, all I can ask for is patience while I sort things out; though
patience in this world of hustle and bustle is in short supply. I
often find myself on the receiving end of ridicule and toxic remarks
for it… there was a time I just accepted it saying I should just
get my act together; even when it hurt. However, I now refuse to sit
back and take toxicity. If I feel wronged I’m gonna let my voice
ring out and try to bring it to a resolution; if I don’t have
respect for myself then how could anyone else?? If I don’t love
myself, how could anyone else love me?? That wouldn’t be fair to
myself or future possibilities. It’s about more than picking fights
over battles or standing up to wrongdoings; this is about me finally loving myself enough to take action. It’s beautiful growth,
and I want to continue to grow more as I go on through this journey.
There were many,
many times where I was being attacked and I just took it… I would
then be ridiculed for not standing up for myself. But then there are
times I did try to stand up for myself and when I did, I was the
“sensitive” one or “in my feelings”. And when I listened to
this trick, I would agree and decide to calm down. I took the toxin
quietly and obediently as I was just walked all over. So when you’re
damned if you do and damned if you don’t what’s the answer?? I
cant speak for you, but only what I’ve found works for me. I’m
gonna be ME. If I feel attacked I’m gonna speak on it, and I’m
gonna slay toxicity anytime I come across it; even if it’s a friend
or loved one. I’m gonna hold on to what I believe in and strike out
against disrespect and misplaced aggression. I’m gonna finally give
a damn about my feelings because at the end of the day, no one else
has to. I’m gonna struggle, because I will overthink things again;
but I won’t let that stop me from reaching true happiness and my
goals. I’m gonna continue to improve everyday as I push to be
better and that’s not gonna be enough for some people. I
accept that and also that it isn’t my problem. As this journey
continues, I’m just gonna be the best me I can be; that’s all I
can do.
