Sunday, August 12, 2018

How it feels...

*smack*

"You're pathetic!!"

*smack*

"Just look at everyone else your age!!"

*smack*

"You're gonna die alone!!"

*smack*

At this point, mine right eye begins to swell

" no wonder you're single"

*smack*

*Sputter sputter cough*

"What a fucking disgrace"

*smack*

I fall into the floor. The repeated blows have cause mine sight to blur and smear along with blood and tears. I know I have to rise though, I look into my hurtful assailant and reach out my hand

"Really?? What's the point anyway?? You're NOTHING!!"

*Kick*

"Your sorry life is just passing you by"

*kick*

This blow excubrates the head trauma and causes mine sight to obscure further. The blood pours... just how long have I been bleeding??Mine vision fades to black but mine hearing continues to hear all those hurtful truths(?) And all the lies(?) Mine assailant does not stop.

"Just fade, it's better if you just disappear anyway!!"

*kick kick kick*

"I HATE YOU!!"

*Stomp*

Mine conscious fades.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

I open mine eyes.
I wipe away mine tears.
I check my clock, and I head out the door.
She stays with me.
All that night, my light does not shine.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Raging tides: A quick affirmation

I'm on a journey, and the sea is raging; it's all I can do to just keep my head over water right now. So for today, something short and sweet:

"Everything will fall into place sooner or later..."

I no longer believe in this.
If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen with my own two hands.
Work towards it everyday like I give a damn.
I WILL make it happen; and everyday, grow closer to my ideal.

~

Friday, August 3, 2018

Goodness?? Gracious.

And so it goes on… today I had a lot of time to think and my mind wandered a bit less than usual. A closer look at inner mechanics of mine, those inner workings I developed over time, brought me to yet another realization.

There’s a girl I know. She’s kind and friendly, a model citizen for sure. This young lady planted a tree, a SaniTree if you will; and this SaniTree bore fruits of Kindness, Happiness, and Support all ripe for the picking and readily available. She wasn’t stingy with these fruits and would distribute them to any and all who would ask, sometimes even if they didn’t ask for them. This was all well and good however, there were those who saw she was so caring and giving and they sought to take advantage of her. Some would help themselves to her fruit without her notice or word. It bothered her. It bothered her but not to the point of her speaking out or acting upon it; she rationalized it by saying that she would give it freely anyway. The Lady believed that it was the right thing to do and that by doing it, good would come of it in some way, shape, or form; it was what she was taught, and what she held in her heart of hearts to be true. Poor naive girl. While she had the right idea, she failed to realize that things don’t just happen without action. That was one strike against her, another was that because she spent all her time care-taking others she neglected herself. What’s more, because she had this tree and these fruits readily to give, it made her feel like she deserved a kind of attention. She became entitled. She felt that since all she did was give and be good that someone should notice and appreciate her actions enough to like her as a person. This was a falsehood; IS a falsehood, even. It only stands to reason that her tree would bare less fruit in the coming days.

I admire this Young lady so, it hurt me to see her become this way. She understood that we must be kind and good to our fellow peers and others but she didn’t understand that at the base of her actions, she was expecting a return in the end. She missed Goodness’s ugly truth. When one does something, truly out of the goodness of their heart, just having done it and made someone’s day is enough; an end return isn't needed or requested even subconsciously. Humans are naturally selfish and seek their own self preservation first and help others if they can; that’s just nature. One has to be taught to actually put someone else first genuinely without a bottom line.

It took a while, a long while, but the lady realized the error of her ways; she now gathers seeds from some of the last fruits her withered tree could bear. Determined, she approaches the field of Knowledge and Sacrifice. She plants her seeds and waters them with: Love, Hope, and Good Will. She vows to care for her plant and her peers, and not just to expect special treatment. She smiles beautifully, for in her heart of hearts now dwells a new purpose; a new reason to bear fruit.  

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Origin

Where do we come from??
How did we get here??
How long has this even been a thing??

Well, for as far back as I can remember this has been my tale; one of struggles, distractions, self loathing and other falsehoods. I swear.... all this time spent distracting myself from severe issues I had convinced myself were minuscule when the truth was: slowly but surely I was destroying myself. I was destroying myself and I was fine with it.

When did this become okay??
When did such a practice become so commonplace that I paid it no mind??
Is this really all there is??

I feel that I have both come a long way and have a long way to go. Until today I thought I had most of it together. I thought I was really making progress however, today there was a bad storm. Through the thunder and lightning, I came to my senses. Now I'm making an attempt to see things in my life for what they are. I am on a journey. I am on a journey to find myself, to find my love for life and myself. This is a new beginning: I am Yuuseria.



The Path Forward Through Dancing Shadows

First off I am hurt. Offended and Hurt that such ignorant words would ever leave the lips of the one whom I once thought was one of my bigge...