How it feels <Part 2>

We meet up the same as usual
We speak but in my heart, I can feel something's off
The night goes on and I clutch at my heart but suddenly I hear a line I never want to hear; from anyone really

I freeze
My blood stills and my tongue turns to jelly as i grasp for the words and reason
And as the tears fall and sobs ring out, I can feel my heart breaking

Suddenly, a great pressure falls upon us
Something I have experienced but never to this degreee
I scream and reach out for my heart but, it is being compressed so hard
It cant hear me
It cant see me
I continue to scream and fight against the pressure even as
My strength wavers
My voice gives out
My heart compresses even more
But I dont give up and neither does it

The pressure lifts, and I scoop up the pieces and hold them all the more closer.

We help each other pick up the pieces and we continue to press forward.

We press on knowing there's a war ahead but we plan to survive; together nothing can stop us.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Hello everyone, I don't usually address the crowd directly but, this message is important so hear my cry:

Depression is real. Don't try to write it off as a joke or a weakness of wills; this is something we all have to some degree. Depression is real and it shouldn't be ignored; if this is something you are dealing with I implore you, please get help. Your life matters; and if not to you, to someone else past, present, or future.  Do not ever think it a shame to seek help; nobody is perfect and everyone needs help sometimes. If i can touch one person with my message and help them to understand they are not alone, I would be quite satisfied. Take care of yourselves and please come see me again

Yours Truly,

~Yuuseria~

Warmth

And the road stretches on...

I'm currently following a path that limits my time so I'm gonna try to keep this short:

My days grow dark
My kindness wavers
I get mistreated and let down
My faith declines

Then you show up
My joy increases
My smile lightens
My tummy fills with giggles

When I'm with you
Time speeds up as if we arent looking
Everything else just melts away
My troubles cant hurt me

I dont know where you are
I dont know what you are doing
I'm not even sure you can feel me right now but
I'm longing

I'm longing to get closer
I'm longing to know more about you
I'm longing for your touch
I'm longing for your...

A Lesson on Self

The storm rages on, the path stretches ahead, but I continue to march forward.

Imagine this: Spending your whole life knowing you were more than you were told to be. Having a deep desire to be something even when everyone shunned it. Next comes the conformation, to blend in and make sure you survive your youth environment intact, you adapt a mask. You put your true feelings aside and commit to this mask, so well you've almost even convinced yourself; but she knows better. 

Every now and then, she surfaces to let you know she doesnt approve and that she isnt going anywhere; you ignore her and reassert the mask in place. Time passes and you press forward, mask firmly held, but you aren't happy and you dont know why. "Oh, you know why." She emerges again and completely obstructs your view. She refuses to be ignored any longer: "Enough!" She exclaims as she stamps her high heel. She rips the mask off and grabs you, vulnerable, lost, confused and lifts your eyes level to hers: " We are wonderfully made. And we are enough. We dont need this shackle; from now on we're gonna fly!" She smiles beautifully. You shudder, shook and unsure but inspired; you stand and boldly face the new day. It's not that you're without fear, it's just that now being true to yourself has set you free. The rest is up to wonderful you.

Inner Antidote

When I was little, I was so: bright, brave, and naive. I shined my light brightly and just did whatever felt right. However there were those who saw that light and found joy and dampening it and in some cases, even putting it out completely. Being the naive, oblivious child I was, I failed to understand why this kept happening. To cope with the constant teasing I started to think more about my actions, when I should shine or if I should just keep it to myself. I’d like to think that this habit grew and manifested into an overthinking complex that I deal with on a day to day basis. I will get so wrapped up and thinking about the fine details, or trying to understand something that I miss the simple things right in front of me. It’s just how I operate now, all I can ask for is patience while I sort things out; though patience in this world of hustle and bustle is in short supply. I often find myself on the receiving end of ridicule and toxic remarks for it… there was a time I just accepted it saying I should just get my act together; even when it hurt. However, I now refuse to sit back and take toxicity. If I feel wronged I’m gonna let my voice ring out and try to bring it to a resolution; if I don’t have respect for myself then how could anyone else?? If I don’t love myself, how could anyone else love me?? That wouldn’t be fair to myself or future possibilities. It’s about more than picking fights over battles or standing up to wrongdoings; this is about me finally loving myself enough to take action. It’s beautiful growth, and I want to continue to grow more as I go on through this journey.

There were many, many times where I was being attacked and I just took it… I would then be ridiculed for not standing up for myself. But then there are times I did try to stand up for myself and when I did, I was the “sensitive” one or “in my feelings”. And when I listened to this trick, I would agree and decide to calm down. I took the toxin quietly and obediently as I was just walked all over. So when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t what’s the answer?? I cant speak for you, but only what I’ve found works for me. I’m gonna be ME. If I feel attacked I’m gonna speak on it, and I’m gonna slay toxicity anytime I come across it; even if it’s a friend or loved one. I’m gonna hold on to what I believe in and strike out against disrespect and misplaced aggression. I’m gonna finally give a damn about my feelings because at the end of the day, no one else has to. I’m gonna struggle, because I will overthink things again; but I won’t let that stop me from reaching true happiness and my goals. I’m gonna continue to improve everyday as I push to be better and that’s not gonna be enough for some people. I accept that and also that it isn’t my problem. As this journey continues, I’m just gonna be the best me I can be; that’s all I can do.

How it feels...

*smack*

"You're pathetic!!"

*smack*

"Just look at everyone else your age!!"

*smack*

"You're gonna die alone!!"

*smack*

At this point, mine right eye begins to swell

" no wonder you're single"

*smack*

*Sputter sputter cough*

"What a fucking disgrace"

*smack*

I fall into the floor. The repeated blows have cause mine sight to blur and smear along with blood and tears. I know I have to rise though, I look into my hurtful assailant and reach out my hand

"Really?? What's the point anyway?? You're NOTHING!!"

*Kick*

"Your sorry life is just passing you by"

*kick*

This blow excubrates the head trauma and causes mine sight to obscure further. The blood pours... just how long have I been bleeding??Mine vision fades to black but mine hearing continues to hear all those hurtful truths(?) And all the lies(?) Mine assailant does not stop.

"Just fade, it's better if you just disappear anyway!!"

*kick kick kick*

"I HATE YOU!!"

*Stomp*

Mine conscious fades.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

I open mine eyes.
I wipe away mine tears.
I check my clock, and I head out the door.
She stays with me.
All that night, my light does not shine.

Raging tides: A quick affirmation

I'm on a journey, and the sea is raging; it's all I can do to just keep my head over water right now. So for today, something short and sweet:

"Everything will fall into place sooner or later..."

I no longer believe in this.
If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen with my own two hands.
Work towards it everyday like I give a damn.
I WILL make it happen; and everyday, grow closer to my ideal.

~

Goodness?? Gracious.

And so it goes on… today I had a lot of time to think and my mind wandered a bit less than usual. A closer look at inner mechanics of mine, those inner workings I developed over time, brought me to yet another realization.

There’s a girl I know. She’s kind and friendly, a model citizen for sure. This young lady planted a tree, a SaniTree if you will; and this SaniTree bore fruits of Kindness, Happiness, and Support all ripe for the picking and readily available. She wasn’t stingy with these fruits and would distribute them to any and all who would ask, sometimes even if they didn’t ask for them. This was all well and good however, there were those who saw she was so caring and giving and they sought to take advantage of her. Some would help themselves to her fruit without her notice or word. It bothered her. It bothered her but not to the point of her speaking out or acting upon it; she rationalized it by saying that she would give it freely anyway. The Lady believed that it was the right thing to do and that by doing it, good would come of it in some way, shape, or form; it was what she was taught, and what she held in her heart of hearts to be true. Poor naive girl. While she had the right idea, she failed to realize that things don’t just happen without action. That was one strike against her, another was that because she spent all her time care-taking others she neglected herself. What’s more, because she had this tree and these fruits readily to give, it made her feel like she deserved a kind of attention. She became entitled. She felt that since all she did was give and be good that someone should notice and appreciate her actions enough to like her as a person. This was a falsehood; IS a falsehood, even. It only stands to reason that her tree would bare less fruit in the coming days.

I admire this Young lady so, it hurt me to see her become this way. She understood that we must be kind and good to our fellow peers and others but she didn’t understand that at the base of her actions, she was expecting a return in the end. She missed Goodness’s ugly truth. When one does something, truly out of the goodness of their heart, just having done it and made someone’s day is enough; an end return isn't needed or requested even subconsciously. Humans are naturally selfish and seek their own self preservation first and help others if they can; that’s just nature. One has to be taught to actually put someone else first genuinely without a bottom line.

It took a while, a long while, but the lady realized the error of her ways; she now gathers seeds from some of the last fruits her withered tree could bear. Determined, she approaches the field of Knowledge and Sacrifice. She plants her seeds and waters them with: Love, Hope, and Good Will. She vows to care for her plant and her peers, and not just to expect special treatment. She smiles beautifully, for in her heart of hearts now dwells a new purpose; a new reason to bear fruit.  

Origin

Where do we come from??
How did we get here??
How long has this even been a thing??

Well, for as far back as I can remember this has been my tale; one of struggles, distractions, self loathing and other falsehoods. I swear.... all this time spent distracting myself from severe issues I had convinced myself were minuscule when the truth was: slowly but surely I was destroying myself. I was destroying myself and I was fine with it.

When did this become okay??
When did such a practice become so commonplace that I paid it no mind??
Is this really all there is??

I feel that I have both come a long way and have a long way to go. Until today I thought I had most of it together. I thought I was really making progress however, today there was a bad storm. Through the thunder and lightning, I came to my senses. Now I'm making an attempt to see things in my life for what they are. I am on a journey. I am on a journey to find myself, to find my love for life and myself. This is a new beginning: I am Yuuseria.