Inner Antidote

When I was little, I was so: bright, brave, and naive. I shined my light brightly and just did whatever felt right. However there were those who saw that light and found joy and dampening it and in some cases, even putting it out completely. Being the naive, oblivious child I was, I failed to understand why this kept happening. To cope with the constant teasing I started to think more about my actions, when I should shine or if I should just keep it to myself. I’d like to think that this habit grew and manifested into an overthinking complex that I deal with on a day to day basis. I will get so wrapped up and thinking about the fine details, or trying to understand something that I miss the simple things right in front of me. It’s just how I operate now, all I can ask for is patience while I sort things out; though patience in this world of hustle and bustle is in short supply. I often find myself on the receiving end of ridicule and toxic remarks for it… there was a time I just accepted it saying I should just get my act together; even when it hurt. However, I now refuse to sit back and take toxicity. If I feel wronged I’m gonna let my voice ring out and try to bring it to a resolution; if I don’t have respect for myself then how could anyone else?? If I don’t love myself, how could anyone else love me?? That wouldn’t be fair to myself or future possibilities. It’s about more than picking fights over battles or standing up to wrongdoings; this is about me finally loving myself enough to take action. It’s beautiful growth, and I want to continue to grow more as I go on through this journey.

There were many, many times where I was being attacked and I just took it… I would then be ridiculed for not standing up for myself. But then there are times I did try to stand up for myself and when I did, I was the “sensitive” one or “in my feelings”. And when I listened to this trick, I would agree and decide to calm down. I took the toxin quietly and obediently as I was just walked all over. So when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t what’s the answer?? I cant speak for you, but only what I’ve found works for me. I’m gonna be ME. If I feel attacked I’m gonna speak on it, and I’m gonna slay toxicity anytime I come across it; even if it’s a friend or loved one. I’m gonna hold on to what I believe in and strike out against disrespect and misplaced aggression. I’m gonna finally give a damn about my feelings because at the end of the day, no one else has to. I’m gonna struggle, because I will overthink things again; but I won’t let that stop me from reaching true happiness and my goals. I’m gonna continue to improve everyday as I push to be better and that’s not gonna be enough for some people. I accept that and also that it isn’t my problem. As this journey continues, I’m just gonna be the best me I can be; that’s all I can do.